Disappointment can be a hard pill to swallow. Regardless if the disappointment comes from your relationships, education, career, etc., disappointment can make regaining your confidence difficult.
One of my earliest posts on The 30 Something Student discussed what was so great about confidence. I spoke about why it is important to have confidence and how it can help you with your decision making. Today…I want to talk about losing confidence and then regaining it.
I, as probably everyone else in this world, has had to deal with periodic moments of lost confidence. It’s not like I suffer from any kind of chronic confidence problem, thankfully my instances have been a product of specific events and are not an ongoing issue. Nonetheless, every time I have had to deal with a major disappointment in my life it leaves me guessing whether or not something is wrong with me or what I could have done differently to have changed the situation.
In times when relationships ended, I wondered what I may have done wrong. Was I lacking in compassion or understanding? Is this how all of my relationships will turn out? Was it me or them?
Since my return to college, disappointment has been routine. One instance, when I didn’t get an internship I really wanted, was especially disappointing. Not only was it a paid internship, but the sheer number of influential people I would have met would have been very beneficial to my career. This lead me to second guess my qualifications and ability to land a job in the future. I remember wondering if my resume was inadequate and if so, how could I expect anyone to hire me.
Several times throughout undergraduate school I received grades that were much lower than I had expected. This always came with the added pressure of competition among classmates. I needed to prove to myself that I belonged there and could do the work. It might not be the exact mindset you should have when you are in college but it definitely was something that I thought about. If I didn’t succeed going back to college, I was not going to attempt it again. I couldn’t accept failure. I would have felt foolish for even trying. I despised not meeting my personal expectations.
A new type of disappointment that I am learning to deal with is the kind that deals with your career or job. This is type of disappointment is fairly new to me. In the past I have had success (small amounts, but success nevertheless) with job promotions when I wanted them. These were never big jumps or promotions, just small advancements, and usually came through just putting out effort and making fairly decent decisions. Now, I am in a much more competitive environment than before. I am competing with individuals with advanced degrees, experience, and skills, as well as a higher sense of career driven motivation.
Recently, I applied for a higher position at my current employer. I was passed over.
I am not mad or angry with my supervisors. In their defense, I am pretty sure there are individuals out there that more well-qualified than myself for the position. I can only reflect my general disappointment in the situation as a whole. Being passed over for the promotion leads to feelings of inadequacy and brings about many questions regarding my situation. Do I not do a good job at my current position? Will I ever be qualified for a promotion? How many years will it be until I am qualified?
Regardless of how bad it stings, I know that this is merely a slight inconvenience. It has been a little over a week now and already the sting is wearing off and I am much less worried about the situation as a whole. It is quite interesting how time heals wounds.
How to Regain Confidence?
I must remember that first, there are many events in life that are out of your control. Good luck, bad luck, or whatever you want to call it…there are simply things that no matter how hard you wish you could control them, you can’t. Things such as health, violence, and accidents are often out of your control and it is useless to suggest otherwise.
What I can do is put myself in a better position to succeed.
I will continue to work hard at achieving the goals that are important to me. This goes a long way in producing your “good luck”. I believe most good luck, the kind that isn’t completely random, is often a result of what you have done. The things you have worked on to meet your goals. It may still be out of your control, but by doing the things that will increase your chances of success, you position yourself to have a far greater chance of having good luck. This is not an uncommon thesis and something I feel is worth paying attention to.
Another thing that is always a good place to start is with your health. A healthy body, I have found, is one of the easiest ways to regain your confidence. Not only do you typically feel great after working out (in that I am really tired and beat up but in an I actually did something kind of way), but after you begin to see results from your efforts you have more confidence than before. This is something I have absolutely been terrible with as of late, and I can feel it. My body is telling me I am slow and weak and I believe no matter how hard I try to cover it up, It remains obvious to others. I intend on changing this. It doesn’t need to be an intense regimen, I just need to be more active. This will recharge my body.
It is also important to remember that experiencing disappointment or failure does not mean you are a disappointment or failure. If experiencing disappointment or failure excluded individuals from being deemed a success, then the “success club” would be a lonely club indeed. Although rough times may seem lonesome, you are mistaken to think that you are the only one feeling this way. Disappointment is a well traveled road that you are merely crossing. To regain your confidence you must realize that this is only a moment in time, and will not endure.
Most importantly, keep trying. Do not give up because of a small roadblock. Giving up will not help you regain your confidence, it will only lead you to wallow in your defeat. As you continue to try, you continue to learn. The more you learn the better position you will be in to take advantage of opportunities that come your way.
While I won’t pretend to know the answer to everyone’s confidence problems, and I assure you I am not a psychologist, I can describe what has helped me from time to time when I have lost confidence in myself. Although regaining your confidence can take time, by focusing on the positive aspects of life you will increase your turnaround time.
These are the thought processes I am currently going through as I heal up my wounds. I also realize that even though there are obvious ups and downs that come with life, I do lead a truly blessed one. Compared to so many individuals throughout the world, I have an abundance of everything that brings an individual joy. I have friends and family, I enjoy food, water, and shelter, everything else is simply more. Of course everyone enjoys the luxuries of life that come from an advanced career, but when you boil everything down to what really matters, losing confidence over small little disappointments, seems kind of silly.
Do you have anything that also helps out in these situations?
Thanks for stopping by.
Ian
The 30ss
